Being the Parent that Handles All of the Difficult Conversations

In my family I am the bring things upper. For years, the kids have joked about mom's "conversations." And I really am fine with the joking around, I really am fine with the fact that they will not know or understand until they are adults themselves the reason why there needs to be a person who is the conversation bringer upper.

But.

Sometimes it is annoying, frustrating, inducing a feeling of being misunderstood and unseen. A large part of my job, a large part of the role that is foisted upon me by this family is to be the constantly vigilant observer, the anticipator, the predictor, the knower of all of the things.

I regularly hope for my children that the world will change. That my daughters will not be expected to be more present than my son. That my children will not end up in these tropes. But yet I see it happening directly in front of me. My son and oldest daughter are 18 months apart in age. My daughter is the knower of things, the one who is engaged in conversations, the one who knows moment by moment the pulse and temperature of the moods of the members of the family, the one who will offer to pitch in and help. And I sit here, unable to figure out how to pump the brakes. Yes I absolutely want her grow up to be nurturing and caring and reliable and constant. But I do not want her to carry on her chest the burdens that I feel pressing down on me.

There is a singularity to the personality of the absolute primary caretaker mother. I recognize it in others when I see it. I recognize it in myself when I look in the mirror. It's not any one specific trait, but yet there is a commonality to it. It is the knowledge just by glancing at a person that you know they would be able to rattle off all of the information for any government form for their child just off the top of their head. It is the feeling that you can see the sleepless nights when they have woken up with their child repeatedly from feedings to potty training to nightmares to anxiety flares the night before the first day or school or a big exam or in the middle of drama with their friends. It is the observation of the slight rise in the shoulders and small hitch of breath when they feel guilty for taking a moment to themselves or complaining about the burden they carry. It is the way they hold things in their hands as they juggle both physically and mentally so many things.

And one of those things, one of the biggest for me, is being the conversation bringer upper. Sometimes it is related to school, or friends, relationships, or how they feel, whether they are still having the headaches they complained about earlier, their favorite activities, what we should add to their schedule, what we should take away, etc, etc, etc. But mixed into this, the remembering to bring up the conversations that need to be had, there is reading their mood and whether they are in a space where you can bring up a conversation. Sorting the absolutely necessary conversations from the ones we can table. Taking the time to have the conversation. Circling back after the conversation. Enduring the eyerolls, being the recipient of the attitude.

Do they think that this is the way I want to be?