I Will Miss Having You In The Passenger Seat

Today I drove my oldest to school because for him the school day didn't start until 10:30. He turns 18 this summer and I am struck with these moments of such intense upwelling of feeling that my throat clogs and my eyes start to tear.

I watch his shoulders broaden, I watch his limbs lengthen, I watch his jaw sharpen. But in my brain I still see my little boy. I marvel at how every part of him was once the constant of my life. The years when I knew every inch of his body better than my own. If he had a new spot appear on his skin, I would notice it immediately. Every bruise was cataloged in my brain and the healing stages noted.

How is it possible that 18 years, so long while it is happening, has passed so quickly in retrospect?

Watching him daily become more and more a man before my very eyes, changing moment to moment fills me with pride and also the clench in my gut where I internally feel like I am grasping at the grains of sand that have been pouring from between my fingers, each moment of his childhood yet another grain of sand. Remembering when his little toddler body would burrow into mine. When each fear was displayed so openly in his eyes. How his first words and sentences were imparted to me with such an intensity and earnest need for me as the special person in his life to understand.

There are flashes of the past. An expression will pass over his face, and I will recognize it. Oh yes, hello, there you are my wonderful little boy. I'm absolutely determined to try to be the best mom of an adult that I can be. I have been working so much on trying to heal my own inner traumas. I have a list in my head of the way that I will behave toward his future romantic partners and how to evolve and grow without handing on the toxic relationships of my parents and in-laws.

As I watch him grow, as I wax poetic on the moments of the past that fill my entire chest and abdomen, here is what I would say to him if he were able to hear it without being absolutely mortified: "I love you. I am so proud of you. I am so excited to see who you are going to become. I have loved you since the moment I knew you were a possibility. I will love you until the last moment of my existence. I am sorry for every mistake I have made, every time that I have snapped out a short comment in a sharp voice. I am sorry for every time that I have seen your shoulders fall with disappointment. I cherish the times when your sweet head would tilt into me and I could smell your shampoo. I love you. Forever."