Keeping Secrets for Abusers Continues the Abuse

Leaving an abusive relationship is hard. For me it was full of shame and full of regret and self recrimination. How could I have been so stupid as to marry an abuser. How could I have been so stupid to not see the truth before marching down the aisle. But part of the problem, is that after the relationship is over, it is so very very easy to stay silent. Because speaking out about the abuse you have endured is also very revealing of yourself, of what you allowed, of what you experienced. It should not be this way, the shame should be one hundred percent on the perpetrator. But the waters are very murky. When you might feel you want to tell people about the time that he opened your car door and started trying to shove you out of the car while driving on the highway, you might worry that the question will be "what did you do that made him do that?" and then your reply might be something like "well I had brought up for the 500th time that I was so angry that he had stayed out the night before until 3:00 am and never let me know where he was" and now you have revealed yourself to be a nag. Logically, you might know that the two things do not match up equally. But that doesn't change the fear of being misunderstood. It doesn't change the terror of having your words and actions twisted against you. Being paralyzed in this fear has been my life for so long. I am working hard on trying to learn how to speak up and speak out.