Shadow Journal part 2

As a child, I was told not to think too much of myself. This made me very certain that I hold no value. I feel like things would be different if I had been raised by people who love me. I wish I could tell my child-self that everything will work out ok, that I am smart enough, strong enough and that I am going to end up OK. I am so grateful for my grit and determination, but wish my guardians would have cared enough about me to protect me or loved me or tried to cherish me.

What memories did I extract from this exercise?

One of my earliest memories impactful memories is of sitting on the stairs in the Colorado house. My adopted mother and my biological sister were napping. And I remember thinking that I was a burden and that I was not wanted and thinking about the look on my adopted mother's face a lot of the time when she would look at me. I later realized that it was probably resentment. I have a crystal clear memory of knowing that I was in a completely new world that I found confusing and certain that I was no better off for it.

How can I reframe these memories so that they don't continue to hurt and hinder me in the future?

I have often come to think that despite the struggles and pain of my childhood and even parts of my adulthood, it is the rocky and awful path that has brought me to this moment. I cannot accept the good, snuggles from my child, the moments where I watch my children laugh, my puppy wiggling in my lap, the sunshine warming my skin in the spring weather, without accepting the path that brought me here.

How can I regularly serve myself with compassionate consolation as I would give to my child-self?

I have been trying to work on this, I have been trying to work on listening to myself and I have been trying to work on letting myself be what I perceive as selfish. It is challenging because I have lived in a space where a shower alone without keeping an eye on a kid in the bathroom with me, is a luxury and is selfish. I am also trying to allow myself to give voice to the negative things and to allow myself to be angry.