The Fun Surprise of Sick Kids

One of my biggest hesitations in reentering the work world is the fact that on the random morning when one of the kids wakes up and they are ill, I am home. I can be the body pillow on which they sprawl for the day. I can be the maker of soup, the fetcher of cold cloths, the kleenex delivery and clean up service.

There is an intellectual part of my brain that knows that the kids are old enough that having someone wait on them hand and foot when they are sick is a luxury and not a necessity. But it is also the way that I have always shown up as a mom.

Any time that I stop doing something that has been my role, I fee awful. I feel like a failure or like I am abandoning them mid task. It is a completely different thing when I am essentially dismissed by the kids as they grow out of an age or stage. While that brings a poignant sadness, I can celebrate their growth and their independence. It just feels so shitty to make a decision on my own.

This also is the issue that is easier to hide behind. It is the thing that is easier to talk about than the fear. The fear that the world has continued to spin forward while I have been a stay at home parent for the last decade. The fear that the last decade is an insurmountable amount of time. The fear that nothing I have done has been valued by anyone other than myself.