The Memories of the NICU

Nine years ago I would not have been able to imagine that I would ever be here. I would not have been able to envision that my hopes and dreams would in fact come true.

In the NICU one of the hardest things for me to accept was the fact that I could not control anything. I had no control over the nurse's shifts and therefore who would be watching over my baby. I had no control over the germs and viruses that would inhabit the hospital and the general space or even the private room that we were housed in. I had no control over how my baby's body would respond to medications, increased calories being added to my breastmilk, decreased oxygen percentages or decreased flow, or incubator temperatures.

The conflict between a parent and the NICU staff, particularly a parent who has prior children is intense and seldom discussed. On the surface, the staff and the parents are on the same page. All parties want the child to survive. All parties want a good outcome. But even in the definition of a good outcome the paths begin the diverge.

You learn early on in the NICU that there is a hierarchy of organ value. At birth with a micropreemie, the heart and lungs trump the liver and kidneys, the liver and kidneys trump the brain and eyes. The parents are left with the costs to the brain, eyes, liver, kidneys, and any other organs that were damaged by the immediacy of saving their life. And when your child survives, you cannot regret the cost for keeping them alive. But the NICU, and the NICU staff do not live with that price. It is the parents. It is the parents who drive the children to specialist after specialist. It is the parents who drive the children from therapist to therapist. It is the parents who supplement the therapy with home exercises. It is the parents who find ever more creative methods for administering medication. It is the parents who worry and sweat and google and ask probing questions at every appointment.

A good outcome for the NICU is a baby who survived. A good outcome for the parent is a baby who thrived.

I will always be grateful to the NICU for knowing how to help my baby survive. But I will always take full credit for being the person who made sure my baby would thrive.