"What would be too good to believe if someone were to sit down and tell you what's coming next in your life?" And another entry, what would your younger self (14 years go) have answered?"

This question sits in my brain and bothers it like a pipe cleaner that has been bent and can never again be smooth.

I suppose, in a weird and twisty way, the fact that I am struggling so much with this question, it means that I have made it to a place in my life where I have found a modicum of contentment. And it grates on me. The lack of crisis. I do not want another crisis. Not in any way shape or form.

Superficially I think that if someone were to sit down and tell me something that is too good to believe is coming next, it would be something to the effect that I will be a massive help to someone, that I will contribute somehow in a major beneficial way.

But really, I also would selfishly want to find the ability to feel deserving of the good and wonderful things in my life. I would want to stop feeling like I'm holding my breath and trying to make no sudden movements that would startle my good fortune away. I would want to believe that this life is mine to inhabit indefinitely and not something I have lucked into in this moment that will be whisked away in the next.

14 years ago, in 2010, I would not have been able to imagine my current life. My current situation that is so free of threats to my basic survival. I think at that phase of my life if I had this question posed to me, I would have hoped that there would be steady livable income and the certainty that the kids were doing well, that everyone was safe and happy and healthy and thriving.

As I reflect on my life of challenges and struggles, I worry that I will never find true contentment. I saw a woman talking about abusive relationships and that many times, the adults who find themselves in an abusive marriage, it is because that is what they knew when they were growing up. That the abuse cycle is the baseline normal having been raised in it.

I do know that it is an eerie experience sometimes. The calm and the lack of instant emotional reaction that I get from my current husband. Intellectually, I know that it is healthy for me, but it feels like an itchy turtleneck sweater, itching and scratching my skin but as I shift and pull and stretch in the sweater to try to relieve the itching, then it's choking me. The unhealthy parts of me that were grown in my childhood find comfort in a massive emotional tidal wave. Paradoxically, there is stability in the storm. If you are seeing and experiencing the worst then at least you do know what the worst possible options are that exist.